What is respect in a relationship? One of the most common complaints that we hear in family or couples therapy sessions is “I feel like my partner/child/parent doesn’t respect me.” When someone close to you does things that don’t comport with your idea of respect, it’s natural to conclude that this means they don’t respect you. If, say, your partner makes a large purchase without asking for your opinion, or your child refuses to follow your rules, you might assume that they did those things out of disrespect.
The truth is that feelings aren’t facts. This means that you feeling disrespected isn’t the same thing as the other person feeling disrespect toward you. This doesn’t mean that you don’t have the right to be upset about the other person’s actions. Quite the opposite. If your loved one has done something that caused you to feel hurt, it’s important to communicate those feelings honestly and accurately–without making assumptions about the other person’s intentions. In fact, this accurate, non-judgmental communication of your own emotions is a key component of self-respect in a relationship.
What Is Self-Respect?
Self-respect is a crucial part of your identity. It influences how you feel about yourself, and it encourages others to treat you with respect.
It’s important to note that self-respect is not the same as self-esteem. Having high self-esteem means believing that you are a good person with admirable qualities and the ability to do things skillfully. Having self-respect means that you value yourself as a human being, you understand what your values are, and you believe in your right to be treated with dignity and respect.
In DBT therapy, we say that self-respect in a relationship means being fair to yourself and the other person, not apologizing for getting your needs met, sticking to your own values, and being truthful. In other words, when you have self-respect in a relationship, you don’t compromise your values, boundaries, or needs for the sake of the relationship. Instead, you find a balance–or a middle path–that allows you to have both a healthy and fulfilling connection with your partner and mutual respect.
What Makes Self-Respect in a Relationship Difficult to Achieve?
In our DBT program, we see individuals who have difficulty treating themselves with respect for a variety of reasons. Typically, these reasons fall into two categories on opposite ends of a spectrum:
- Under-assertiveness: Reluctance to assert their own needs
- Ineffective assertiveness: Asserting their needs in such a way that they feel guilty or shameful about it later
Under-assertiveness
Sadly, many of our DBT clients believe that they don’t deserve to get their needs met, or that asking for what they want would make them selfish. They may experience intense emotions, like anxiety or shame, when they do ask for something. Because those emotions are so painful, they avoid them at all costs, even if that means not asking for what they need and deserve.
“Lots of factors can contribute to a person’s difficulty with assertiveness,” says Nicole Roder, LCSW-C, DBT-LBC, a DBT-Linehan Board of Certification, Certified Clinician™ at Gladstone Psychiatry and Wellness. “Many of my clients have experienced traumatic invalidation throughout their lives. People have told them that their emotions didn’t matter or didn’t make sense. That their needs didn’t matter. And they have internalized those beliefs. My job as a DBT therapist is to challenge those beliefs and gently expose my clients to situations where they can be assertive and prove to themselves that this is OK.”
Ineffective assertiveness
Sometimes, people freely set boundaries and ask for what they want. But they do it in such a way that they don’t like the way they feel about themselves afterward.
“Imagine that you want your partner to take you out to a restaurant, and you know that they don’t like to go out to eat,” says Nicole. “Instead of using your interpersonal effectiveness skills to find a middle path with your partner, you cry and accuse them of not loving you if they won’t go to the restaurant. Or you get angry and throw things. Or you lie and say that you injured your wrist so you can’t cook. All of these are examples of ineffective assertiveness.”
The key here is to ask yourself, “How do I want to feel about myself after the interaction? And what do I need to do to make that happen?” These questions are the first step to achieving self-respect in a relationship.
How to Have Self-Respect in a Relationship
In DBT skills groups, we teach the FAST skill as a means of helping people achieve self-respect. FAST stands for (Be) Fair, (No) Apologies, Stick to Values, and (Be) Truthful. It’s important to apply the FAST skill to all of your interactions with your partner.
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- (Be) Fair: The first step of the DBT FAST skill is to be fair to yourself and the other person. Being fair to yourself means that you validate your own feelings and wishes in addition to your partner’’s. It’s difficult to respect yourself if you always give in to someone else’s wishes instead of your own. In addition, it’s important to be fair to your partner. It’s difficult to feel self-respect in a relationship if you take advantage of the other person in order to get what you want.
- (No) Apologies: The next FAST skill is to avoid over-apologizing. Of course, if you have actually done something to hurt your partner or made a mistake that caused a problem, then an apology is appropriate. Giving an effective, heartfelt apology will hopefully increase your self respect in a situation like that. When we say “no apologies,” we mean not apologizing for being alive, for making a request, for having an opinion, or for disagreeing. Apologizing implies that you are wrong, and it can reduce your self-respect over time if you overdo it. It can also harm your relationship and cause your partner to believe you are being insincere.
- Stick to Values: The third FAST skill is to stick to your own values. Everyone has personal values, or a moral code. Sometimes, people are tempted to sell out their own values in order to get others to like them. This could lead to a big drop in self-respect. Instead, it’s important to be clear on what you believe is the moral or valued way of thinking and behaving, and then act accordingly.
- (Be) Truthful: Finally, the last FAST skill is to be truthful. This means not lying, acting helpless when you’re not, or exaggerating. It’s possible that one small dishonest statement might not hurt, and sometimes it’s even necessary, like pretending to like your partner’s outfit to protect their feelings. But using dishonesty as your usual means of getting your wants and needs met will erode your self-respect. So tell the truth about what you think and feel, and be honest about what you are capable of.
How Do I Find a DBT Skills Group Near Me?
Gladstone Psychiatry and Wellness in Maryland has a fully adherent, DBT-Linehan Board of Certification, Certified Program™. Our program includes individual therapy with one of our intensively trained clinicians, a weekly DBT skills group, and between-session phone coaching. In addition, our therapists participate in a weekly DBT consultation team to support one another and improve our skills as clinicians. We serve adults and adolescents age 11 and up with Blue Cross/Blue Shield insurance plans.
We offer both in person and virtual individual therapy sessions, with offices in Frederick, Hunt Valley, Bethesda, and Columbia, Maryland. All of our adult skills groups are held over Zoom, and we offer virtual adolescent multifamily groups as well as an in-person group for adolescents and their families in our Hunt Valley location.
If you are interested in DBT therapy at Gladstone, please contact us at dbt@gladstonepsych.com to request an application. You can also find application forms on our website, here.