How to Stop Arguing With Your Child
By Nicole Roder, LCSW-C, DBT-LBC
How to stop arguing with your child? This is one of the most common questions we receive from the parents of our adolescent patients. Many parents know this routine well. Your teen asks for permission to do something that you are not comfortable with–say they want to stay out past curfew with a friend you’ve never met before. You tell them no, and they begin to argue. Your child demands to know your reasons and then says your reasons don’t make sense. You re-explain your concerns for their safety and they argue back. It seems like the argument will never end.
These constant arguments can be exhausting and frustrating for both parents and teens. They also strain your relationship with your kids and get in the way of developing healthy problem-solving skills.
“If it becomes a power struggle, nobody wins,” says Melanie J Haynes, LCPC, a child therapist at Gladstone Psychiatry and Wellness, adding that she sees this issue a lot with the families she treats.
To help families communicate better with fewer fights and a more harmonious family environment, we put together a list of effective parenting strategies. Here’s how to stop arguing with your child and build stronger, healthier relationships.
How to Stop Arguing With Your Child–Understand the Cause
As any parent of a toddler can tell you, children develop the ability to argue quite early. In fact, research shows that most children can understand and generate the principal components of an argument by the time they are three years old. That is, they are intellectually capable of coming up with a rationale to explain why they think they are right and someone else is wrong. As they grow and develop, their arguments become more detailed and coherent. By the time a child reaches adolescence, they’re usually quite skilled at it.
As frustrating as this can feel, it’s actually good news. Your kids are arguing with you because their brains are developing, they’re getting smarter, and they’re practicing their skills.
Here are a few other reasons why your children and teenagers might argue with you:
- Exploring independence: One of the main tasks of childhood is learning limits and testing them in order to become more independent.
- Seeking attention: Sometimes kids act out because they feel overlooked or neglected, and they simply want you to notice them.
- Emotion overload: When kids–or people of any age–feel emotionally overwhelmed, they may impulsively argue in a frantic effort to get their needs met. In this state of mind, it is difficult for them to understand rational explanations of your position.
- Stress or frustration about something unrelated: Sometimes, kids are stressed out about something happening at school or with their friends, and they don’t have the emotional intelligence necessary to recognize that and ask for help. Consequently, their frustration comes out in an argument with their parents.
- They are developing their own opinions: As kids mature into teenagers, they start to form their own opinions and values about life, and their views might differ from their parents. Family relationships are often a safe place for teens to test out their opinions. Unfortunately, their brains are still developing, so they don’t yet have the emotion regulation and interpersonal effectiveness skills necessary to engage in healthy debate.
The bottom line is that kids and teens who argue with their parents are doing the best they can. They need their parents to gently and lovingly model healthy communication skills.
How to Stop Arguing With Your Child, Step by Step
1. Regulate your own emotions.
“Managing your own emotions is a big part of the process–raising kids can be frustrating, and parents need their own ways to cope and get support,” says Melanie.
If an interaction with your child starts to become heated, it is essential that you gain control over your own emotions. When parents feel angry with their kids, it is very easy for them to behave irrationally or lash out. This can set the stage for a nasty argument that leaves everyone feeling defeated and upset. So when you feel yourself starting to become dysregulated, take some slow deep breaths or walk away for a moment to calm down.
2. Practice relationship mindfulness.
In DBT therapy, relationships mindfulness for parents has two parts. First, during any interaction with your kids, keep in the front of your mind that “this is a person I love.” It helps if you use a pet name or a term of endearment throughout your discussion. Second, relationship mindfulness involves curious observation of the other person. Curiosity is the opposite of judgementalness. So instead of assuming that they are being stubborn, rude, or purposely disobedient, ask yourself some questions. What are they thinking and feeling? What are their motivations? What do they really want? Try to come up with at least one guess that puts them in a positive light. And if you can’t think of any, ask them.
3. Pick your battles.
“If your interaction with your child often feels like an argument, it might be helpful to sort out what are the ‘mountains’ and what are the ‘mole hills,’” says Melanie. “Must-haves (mountains) should generally be limited to issues of safety and respect for other people’s person and property. Clear consistent rules on these things are important. Most other issues are best tackled by the slow process of growth and development.”
In other words, it’s not necessary to argue about every disagreement. If the issue at hand is a “mole hill,” ask yourself if you can let it go. If this is something that won’t matter to you tomorrow or a week from now, it might be better to give your child some leeway and avoid an unnecessary argument.
4. Validate their emotions.
A plethora of research has found that when people experience emotional validation, it helps them feel more regulated and reduces their negative emotions. We also know from research that emotional invalidation can cause a person’s negative emotions to increase and make their behavior more volatile.
To validate your child’s emotions, listen to what they are saying and reflect it back to them. Pay particular attention to the emotions they are expressing. Tell them that you understand what they are feeling, and that their feelings make sense.
5. Model calm communication.
Children and teens learn by watching their parents, so model the behavior you want to see. Try to notice your primary emotions and express them to your child in a calm, measured way. Use “I” statements and avoid personal attacks. And try to stay away from black and white statements. For example, instead of saying “You never listen to me,” (accusatory and black and white), try “I feel frustrated because I’ve said no several times and you are still trying to convince me to say yes.”
6. Collaborate with your child to establish clear rules and consequences.
Having clear, age-appropriate rules and consistent consequences can prevent many arguments before they start. Involve your child in setting these rules when possible, as this can increase their buy-in and understanding. When they break the rules, enforce consequences calmly and consistently.
7. Drop the rope and refuse to argue.
Many parents complain that their kids and teens argue with them constantly. But the truth is that it takes two people to argue, and you don’t have to participate in every argument you are invited to. As long as you have clear rules in place, you can simply point out that a behavior is against the rules and deliver the consequences. In the moment, there is no need to convince your child that the rules are “good” or the consequences are “fair.” They’ve already been established ahead of time.
This approach allows you to “drop the rope” instead of engaging in an argument with your child. For example, let’s say that your rules are that kids have to finish their homework before they get screen time. If your child asks for screen time before their homework is complete, you simply say, “You can have your screen time after you do your homework.” If they argue with you about it, you can respond, “I’m not going to argue. You know the rules.” If you argue back–say by giving reasons that homework is important–you are unnecessarily prolonging the argument.
8. Engage in collaborative problem solving.
If you find yourself frequently arguing with your child about the same issues over and over again, that might mean that you have a bigger problem to solve. For example, let’s say your child frequently stays in bed long after you’ve woken them up, making them late for school. Treat this like a problem that you can solve together. This involves gently bringing up the subject during a calm moment and asking your child to share their point of view. Next, validate your child’s emotions and express empathy. Then, express to them that this is a problem and you need to come up with a solution. Ask your child to suggest possible solutions, and praise them when they do. If they can’t think of any, you can suggest some, but try your best to get them to make some suggestions. Evaluate the solutions together, and decide which ones you are willing to try. Finally, put a solution in place and see how it works. If the problem persists, try another solution.
9. How to Stop Arguing With Your Child: Seek Professional Help if Needed
If you try these solutions and you still find yourself arguing frequently with your child, it might be time to seek professional help. Talking to a family therapist or a children’s mental health provider can be life changing. These professionals have the skills to moderate discussions between parents and their kids. They can help you communicate and problem solve in a loving, validating way.
How Do I Find a Child Psychiatrist Near Me?
At Gladstone Psychiatry and Wellness, we have many mental health professionals who treat children and their families. This includes child psychiatrists, psychiatric nurse practitioners, and therapists. Call us at 443-708-5856 or email us at new.patient@gladstonepsych.com.