School Refusal: What It Looks Like and How Parents Can Help

By Nicole Roder, LCSW-C, DBT Therapist

As kids head back to the classroom, many families are settling into new routines. But for some parents, weekday mornings bring something harder than a missing shoe or a rushed breakfast: a child who is crying, pleading, or flatly refusing to go to school.

I recently joined WJZ-TV’s Wellness Wednesday segment to talk about school refusal, what it looks like, and what parents can do to help. Here’s a closer look at what we discussed.

What Is School Refusal?

Almost every child wakes up now and then and says, “I don’t want to go to school today.” That’s normal, and it’s not what we mean by school refusal.

School refusal is also different from truancy. Truancy usually involves a child skipping school to avoid consequences or because they aren’t invested in school, and it tends to show up more often in older teens.

School refusal happens when a child refuses to go to school because of anxiety or because of a problem they’re facing at school, such as bullying. The child isn’t indifferent to school. They’re overwhelmed by it.

What Does School Refusal Look Like?

School refusal can show up in a lot of different ways. You might notice your child:

• Not getting out of bed in the morning
• Complaining of feeling sick, sometimes with real physical symptoms like stomachaches or headaches
• Having a big meltdown or tantrum when it’s time to get on the bus
• Showing signs that look like a panic attack
• Begging, crying, or pleading: “Please don’t make me go”

These reactions are real expressions of distress. Your child isn’t simply being difficult. Something about school feels scary or unmanageable to them.

At What Age Does School Refusal Happen?

School refusal can happen at any age, from kindergarten through high school, though it may look different depending on your child’s stage of development. A kindergartner may be afraid of the unknown or of being away from a parent, while a middle or high schooler may be struggling with peers, academic pressure, or social anxiety.

This topic is personal for me. My own son started having problems with school refusal in kindergarten. School felt really scary to him, and it was a difficult season for our family. We got through it, and many other families do too.

How Parents Can Respond to School Refusal

When your child is in distress, it’s natural to want to either push harder or give in. Neither tends to work well. Here are a few strategies that can help.

1. Avoid a Power Struggle

Physically forcing your child to go to school usually escalates the tension and makes things worse. Stay calm, keep your expectations clear, and try not to turn the morning into a battle of wills.

2. Stick to the Routine as Much as Possible

Avoiding school tends to keep the problem going. Every day at home reinforces the idea that school is a scary place that needs to be avoided.

What helps instead is exposure: getting to school so your child can learn from experience, “I went to school today, and I was okay.” That kind of evidence is far more convincing to an anxious child than any reassurance we can give them.

3. Don’t Let Staying Home Become a Reward

If your child does stay home, make sure home doesn’t feel like a vacation. That means no video games, no playing with toys, and nothing they wouldn’t be able to do during the school day. Staying home should be neutral, not more appealing than going to school.

4. Validate Their Feelings Without Adding a “But”

Validation means letting your child know their feelings make sense. For example:

“You’re feeling really nervous right now. That makes sense.”

Many parents unintentionally cancel out validation by adding a “but”:

“I know it’s scary, but it won’t be that bad.”

The “but” erases everything that came before it. Instead, let the validation stand on its own. After your child feels validated, you can reiterate your expectations.  

“I understand that you’re scared. It’s natural to want to stay here with me.” Then, after your child has calmed down: “I know this feels awful, and It’s still important that you go to school even when you don’t want to.”

You can acknowledge your child’s fear and stay firm about the rule. Both things can be true at the same time.

When to Seek Professional Help for School Refusal

Some families are able to work through school refusal on their own. But if you’ve been trying to manage it and nothing seems to be changing, or if your whole family is feeling the strain, it’s a good time to reach out for support.

Consider contacting a mental health provider if:

• The strategies you’ve tried aren’t making a difference
• Your child is missing a significant amount of school
• Mornings have become a source of ongoing stress for the whole household
• You’re not sure what’s driving your child’s anxiety or how to help

And most importantly: don’t panic. School refusal is a common and treatable problem. With the right support, children can learn to manage their anxiety and get back to school.

Get Support at Gladstone Psychiatry and Wellness

At Gladstone Psychiatry and Wellness, our providers have extensive experience helping children, teens, and families work through school refusal and the anxiety behind it. We offer care at our offices in Baltimore, Hunt Valley, Columbia, Bethesda, and Frederick, Maryland.

If your family is struggling with school refusal, we’re here to help. Visit gladstonepsych.com to learn more or schedule an appointment.

Watch the full segment on WJZ-TV’s Wellness Wednesday, sponsored by Gladstone Psychiatry and Wellness: care that meets you where you are.